live in the eternal now

October 4

Live in the eternal now.

“It’s not women who need development, it’s development that needs them.
The country cannot become developed without women.”
—
Lecture on micro-credit

2:32 pm
Carly’s mother is going into open heart surgery in half an hour. Carly has been in hysterics for a large part of the last 18 hours. I am in a lecture on microcredit, learning about women’s development and its relationship to a country’s development. I am content. It is a good day.
Carly has had a difficult time facing her host family during the last few days; her tears are met by, “Hayat, safi Safi ” (Carly, stop it That’s enough ) and her concerns are not understood. As she explained it to me, her Moroccan mother has said (in French/Darija and gestures), “Why worry? God will take care of it.” Carly cannot and does not think this way, and so her current pains with her »À^zœ ºz~Ç (Moroccan family) occur at the level of fundamental beliefs and worldviews.
The study abroad student’s worst nightmare is a reality for Carly. I must give this situation a moment for contemplation. I’m at ease with the sheer idea of this nightmare. What if my mother was going into surgery? I have no idea how I would react in the situation, but from my black chair in the back of this classroom, ignoring as I am the end of this lecture, I am convinced that my reaction wouldn’t be Carly’s. A moment of fear, horror, why?, and sadness, I believe would be overcome by a wave of peace and acceptance. This is life, these are the events of living. People come and go, people live and die. There is a time for everything, and everything ebbs and flows.
What if:
My mother dies, my fathers loses his job, my brothers become involved in drugs or worse, Clay leaves, Marcie and Charlene are in the deepest jungles of Africa and South Asia, respectively, and uncontactable.

What to do, where to move, what to think?

Eat, sleep, breathe?

Insha’allah, I give myself pause for grief. But then, deep breaths in and out, I move on and recognize all of these events not as detractions from but as additions to my life. How will these events make me more compassionate, more loving? How will these hlep me to avoid mistakes, to avoid hurting others? How will these events prove to be blessings in my life and in the lives of those I meet?

continue to develop the life of the self and Self and deepen my connection to all things.

I am not an island because my roots are deep and touch as much as they can. I learn to grow. I grow to understand. I understand to love. I love to live.

My prayer is that any hardship that I face, no matter how catastrophic, will teach me more about what it means to be alive. I pray that hardship will broaden this embodied experience.

Disaster should teach me to love and to open.

I pray that I never hate or close. I pray that I might face difficulties large and small with patience and kindness. I pray that injustice is met both by a desire to change it, and a calm to face the battles ahead.

I pray that I learn to temper my kneejerk emotional reactions with an acknowledgment of their transitory nature.

Do not let emotions control you.

Let truths lead you to Truth, and let Truth be the true guide for your life.

Do not let truths lead you down a path of self-destruction.

Let not truths lead you to a loss of Self, a clouding of perception, a loss of Reality.

reality is not Reality
truth is not Truth

emotion is not a building block of the Self.

self is not Self.